I am exhausted. My daughter is six, nearly seven and endures the every three day infusion set changes, the 8 to 10 blood sugar checks per day, but I just endured the longest hold out EVER over diabetes.
I have the Minimed CGM and I upgraded her pump, so she could use it too. Well, today was going to be the day. We went to the Endo and we were going to "give it a try." We have a trip planned to Hawaii and I wanted her to have the CGM with the 5 hour time difference, the constant activity and 12 hours of inactivity during the flights. So much to worry about.
We iced her butt, we talked, we hugged, we iced, talked, hugged, cried, iced, hugged, cried, hugged, hugged, cried, talked, hugged and cried some more.
The damned needle on this thing is LONG. It is freakin' scary, even for me on the first try. On the Navigator, at least you didn't see what was about to be plunged into you.
So we tried again. More hugs, ice, tears, then squirming, then Daddy tries to help. He holds her with a hug and she twists away. He holds her tighter and she cries and twists some more and he gives up. I talk, she cries. I hug, she hugs, she cries and 45 minutes later; totally exhausted and late for a play date, we promise to try tomorrow.
For weeks I tried to convince her that this was going to be a good thing. Less B.G. checks (she says she doesn't mind checking her blood sugar), less worry for me (she really doesn't understand). I talked to my counselor about how to approach this, because she is simply scared it will hurt. My words mean nothing. I had friends with young kids that have the CGM talk to her, email her; she is NOT convinced it won't hurt like hell. Words mean nothing; I can not change her perceptions of what could be.
My counselor said I need to talk from the heart and I did. I told her that I love her more than anything on earth, and that as a mommy who loves her, I have to do everything in my power to keep her safe and healthy. We are fortunate to have access to the CGM and as a mom who loves her little girl, I have to utilizes the most powerful forces in the universe to protect and help her be healthy.
She seemed to buy that; understands that this isn't just about what I "think" is best. But it doesn't changed the fact that she THINKS this is going to be the worst thing ever.
Holding her down and slapping the thing on her butt was what we had to do with infusion sets early on, but it just feels SO wrong to me with my child. I breech a deep trust with her when we have had to resort to that. It has broken our hearts more than a few times.
So I have given her a big job tomorrow, her job is to try her very hardest to use all the tools she has to keep herself as calm as possible. We can't change how she feels, but perhaps (idealistic mommy here) she can help herself be a little less tweaked. Anyway, I am emotionally wiped out. She is playing up stairs and I'm going to go close my eyes.
She cried out, "How did this happen to me? How did I get diabetes?"
What's a mother to do?