Sunday, December 28, 2008

Woke up thinking about diabetes complications at 3 a.m.

This morning I had a first; worry about the future impact of complications on my body. Perhaps it is the pending New Year and the resolutions that always hover. Perhaps it was my husband, who said that he is sick of sitting in front of the computer and wants to get moving. Perhaps it is the Wii Fit and the fun games that are making me think a lot more about my diabetes and my overall health.

I have three months left of my 39th year. I was in the bathroom this morning and wondered if I need a mammogram now. Making my poached egg, I scrapped off half the butter I was about to use.

I put my CGM on four days ago for the first time in months. I thought the transmitter was about to konk out on me when I had a couple iffy sensors and bad readings, so I tucked it away and feigned self-control by "knowing my body." I have to say though, my blood sugars are darned normal most the time and the CGM confirms this for me nicely.

So, in bed this morning around 3:00 a.m., I started thinking about how my body was aching; really in need of a massage (which I got for Christmas). My ankle was stiff and the more I twisted it and stretched it to try to loosen up, the more I realized I don't like to be in pain, or really even discomfort, AND I don't like taking pills to make me feel better. This led to thoughts about how I'm going to feel if I am in pain all the time because of complications. I actually thought. "I'm not sure if I could live with that." I thought, I hope I get killed by a bus or freak train collision rather than suffer as I get older.
Don't worry, I'm not imbalanced or depressed, but it made me think about how much control I take over my health and life. Where does diabetes care fit into my priorities. To be honest, not very high on the list. My health fits in right about where most people fit it in, between kids activities, work, doing dishes and beating myself up over the things I *should* be doing.

I don't spend an inordinate amount of time beating myself up; gave that up years ago, but I have slipped to the other side to virtual complacence. Don't think that is the best place to be either.

My daughter takes most of my energy, time and stamina. Her diabetes takes the rest. How do I teach a kid to make the right choices, when they aren't a priority for me?

So, the Wii Fit really kicks some butt. I ought do be doing yoga now, but I just wanted to start a dialog about reality, not fear. A little voice in me is saying that I should be more mindful, thoughtful about my choices. That self-care is a high priority, no matter my other obligations. I think the example of the oxygen mask on the airplane is perfect here. If I don't get air first, how can I help my child?


Scott K. Johnson said...

Great post Wendy.

The trouble I have (and I think many of us probably have too) is taking those thoughts and turning them into actions. Why is it so hard to take the next little step?

Wendy Morgan said...

Dealyed response, Scott, but it is SO challenging. As I am cooking a healthy dinner, contiously and lovingly preparing health in a bowl, I load more butter on a toritilla or eat the last three cookies in the box on the counter.

It is like we live in two minds simultaneously and when someone finds the answer, I'll buy the book.