Monday, April 23, 2007

So Frustrated My Throat Hurts from Screaming

I exploded with frustration last night when I realized I had left a brand new bottle of Novolog in Dallas. I was there caring for my family as my Mother-in-Law who was just diagnosed with malignancies on the left side of her brain. So, I was on day four of a bad cold, it was midnight last night and we just drove four hours with a six year-old, I was out of insulin, my battery was low and my blood sugars were above 200 all day, even with my alternate pattern—I was exhausted.

So, before I took care of the business at hand, I exploded. All I wanted was to get a good night sleep, something which has eluded me for days and here I was at midnight, changing infusion sets, batteries, draining the last drops from a bottle of insulin AND setting my alarm for 2:00 a.m. See, I took off the Minimed REAL-time sensor last night because I was getting “trained” today on how to use the thing. I thought I would just take it off and let the battery charge, which turned into another reason for me to scream. Bad idea—I now had a 2:00 a.m. wake up call to be sure I wasn’t low (or high).

So, I screamed at my husband--really loud. I screamed at him for leaving the insulin in Dallas (yea sure, it was his fault), I screamed at him for being lucky and not to have to deal with this crap all the time, and I screamed at him for many things that had NOTHING to do with anything. I totally lost it!

For four days, at the hospital in Dallas with family, friends, kids, I was the strong one; I took care of everyone and kept things positive despite the fact that doctors were doing brain surgery. I nurtured everyone, bought lunch, talked to church members, played with the kids and smiled warmly and confidently at mom as she rested in the ICU post op. I controlled of my daughters diabetes, in spite of the fact she probably didn’t consumed anything all weekend that grew from the ground. I took care of everyone, but me.

I got angrier than I have been in many, many months—maybe even a year. But today I hugged my husband very tightly, I took a handful of vitamins, drank two glasses of my favorite tea, watched a show I really like and am going to bed no later than 10:30 p.m. I need me right now and last night was a screaming wake up call to give myself a freakin’ break!


Penny Ratzlaff said...

Sorry about your mother-in-law.

Sounds like you had a lot on your plate and you just needed to get it all out.

It's hard to remember to take time for yourself. It's something that I hardly ever do, but I know I should.

Here's to a better day today.

Vivian said...

Wendy, I too am sorry that your family is having to go through this with your MIL. I will keep you all in my prayers. I hope your day for self helps and that you are feeling much better soon.