Thursday, January 10, 2013

When's it Going to be All About Me?

I don't really want it to be all about me, but I need it to be at least front and center in my life. I am the caregiver of a tween with T1 diabetes. I am a mom with T1 diabetes. It's hard enough to be a mom and pay any attention to self care, but I think that I have slipped comfortably into the role of martyr. On any given day I wouldn't say that, but if you look at my health vs. my kiddo's, I have consciously or unconsciously put her right in front of me, which provides me a battery of excuses for letting my self go.

So the New Year is upon us and I see carts in the grocery stores stuffed with veggies. My gym, the one I pay for each month and haven't seen in awhile, keeps sending me personal trainer promotions, and I need a new pair of jeans. Ones that fit me both vertically, as I am really tall, and in circumference, which has become more challenging that it should be.

I'm not yet at my mid-40s and I have absolutely noticed the five pounds a year they say women stack on just through the aging process, but my own diabetes care makes it so much harder. Insulin, technically, makes you hold on to calories and store it away, that way you aren't letting it run rampant through your body and out with your urine.

Well, viscous cycle, here we come. As I gain more weight, I need more insulin. As I take more insulin, I gain more weight. Screwed, if I leave things alone, which is what I want to do. I want to focus my energy on my kid and family and community and everything else, because focusing on me is exhausting mentally. The games we play in our heads are so disruptive and completely unnecessary.

So, I downloaded a pedometer app and am trying to hit 5,000 steps per day. This is a bit of a challenge when I sit at my desk for my day. Yesterday I hit 3,755 because I took the dog for a walk, but that kinda makes things interesting. How can I add more steps to my day? I am mildly challenged by this, which is saying a lot, because exercise is on my list of to-dos just below emptying the dishwasher, which has become a 20-year battle between my husband and me. I fill, but I don't empty.

Anyway, I am not promising any miracles, nor am I trying to meet some ideal body weight. I would like to fit into easier-to-find-jeans and I need to make an effort at putting my health on the list higher. You know the oxygen mask airplane spiel, right?

I am going to visit my dietician and have her tell me what to do. I haven't seen her in 10 years, so I probably have some stuff to learn. I am also dumping all the clamor and dialog swimming in my brain around what I "should" be doing. Or how I should look or what my outcomes should be.

I know many moms read my blog who have kiddos with T1. I know self-care is hard for you, too. If your willing to share, I wonder how you set aside your responsibilities for them, in order to take care of yourself? Let me know.


Kelly said...

T1 Mom with a T1 Tween, that would be me too! :)

Once again, I could have written this post myself! Year after year when the holidays roll around I pack on about 5-8lbs as I "allow" myself the extra yummy jeans are too tight too! GRRRR..I hear ya!

I just upped my basal around the clock and lowered my ratio. Im sure my metabolism is suffering. So, I get back to my healthier ways. Instead of just walking the dogs over to let THEM run in the park I jog up and down the streets for about 15min in the mornings. I WILL eventually get back into some weights and such..but havent yet. (I dont like to get outta bed early to squeeze it in when its cold!) I go back to eating right. Small meals. Snacks like nuts, PB scoops, PB and celery. More veggies. This is all old news right? I think once the holidays pass it all just naturally falls back into place right? HOPING!!

Scott K. Johnson said...

Brave post, Wendy. Thank you for sharing.

I don't know if this fits, but I often put the care of others in front of myself because I might be facing things (eating habits, for example) that I'm afraid to deal with.

And I SO get you on the whole insulin-weight-insulin cycle. Ugh.

Wendy Morgan said...

Thanks, Kelly! You're many steps ahead of me. Scott, very insightful! And very on point!

Kelly said...

Very true Scott...its so much easier to put others before yourself and fix their problems (blood sugars, eating) instead of dealing with your own. Yep, thats pretty much what I do! YIKES!

Im sure things will fall into place for you Wendy, the key to moving forward, starting over and change is acknowledging! We will get there!

Catherine said...

Interesting post re: insulin/ weight gain/ insulin vicious cycle which I also find myself in...seriously soooooo depressing! Really gets me down....

Unknown said...

I was just thinking about Diabetes Blog Week. So glad to see you're organizing it again! Life is pretty hectic for me right now, but I'm hoping to participate and looking forward to reading all the great posts.

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